Rubbish Reflections

Sick sick racist

2011-01-10T00:27:00.005Z

I have a fever and not the (alleged) good kind. I am coughing, my lips are pouty and red, I am paler (apparently such a thing IS possible, who knew?) and I was running so low on sleep yesterday (because I did not get to bed until 4 am as I was in so much pain. I knew I was coming down with something. I cannot even concentrate on my essay let alone attempt to comprehend the musings of the late great Edward Said) that I ached in every part of my body and ended up with the biggest migraine after a 12 hour shift. By the time the train arrived at Queen’s Park station I was on the phone to my sister crying to get my father to pick me up as I was near to collapsing. My very public and very embarrassing breakdown obviously alerted him to the seriousness of the situation because he made it there in record time. Bless him.

I arrived home safely thanks to the world’s sweetest man and my mother made me drink some sort of God awful Arab housewife medicine type remedy that I would never have said yes to if I had been in my right mind. I was also coerced into having lentil soup (which I NEVER have for reasons I shall not bore you with).

The good news is that I did not collapse.

I clearly deserve a gold star, maybe two, for being such a hero.

In other news, although I ranted about Waity Katie in my last blog post and what I have to say is mildly linked to her, this has squat all to do with the *Big Event* and so I shall proceed.

If you have not come across an article regarding the matter, it was only covered by the usual suspects, it was reported that Emma Sayle (who?), a friend of our likely future Queen, updated her facebook status so that it read “just had a two-hour shooting lesson. She will now be using this skill on the top of East London high rises to help with the UK's illegal immigrant problem”. A facebook ‘friend’ took offence to this and contacted the police who then hauled her in for questioning.

Ms. Sayle was unashamed and later wrote “just had a call from the old bill demanding I go in as someone has reported me for apparently making racist comments... hahaha... using my new found gun skills to control the UK's illegal immigrant population is not what I call racist”.

Newsflash, it IS a racist comment. Why East London? It could not possibly have anything to do with its large Asian community. It is not even plausible that the overwhelming majority of that community are legal citizens (they are brown people after all. The horror). Perhaps she fails to understand the difference between illegal immigration and legal migration? She also tweeted the link to an Australian Islamaphobic article which is more than a little revealing regarding her ‘joke’ statuses.

What is Prince William’s fiancé (and I refer to her as such because she has hardly carved her own path since meeting him. Hello Ms Middleton, the 21st century invites you to join it and gladly introduces you to a little something called feminism) doing with friends like that? Yes Prince Phillip is often off colour but he is of a different generation (not that the generational gap makes his comments more acceptable but they are generally more relatable when one considers one’s own grandparents).

She is hardly a classy friend either. Sayle describes herself as a sextrepreneur and runs a swingers’ club in addition to selling sex aids. Call me a prude but what on earth?

One does not approve.

Quick update, wedding warning and some politics for good measure.

2010-12-26T03:30:00.014Z

This time last year I wrote a rather angry post about bigots and Christmas. I shall not be following it up this year because a) I have already stated how I feel regarding the matter and b) because people have not irritated about it this year. Instead I choose to rant like I have not done since July. I had promised a sort of On Marriage part 2 but my mother vetoed it and I am so good that I actually listened (yes, my mother is aware of my blog and its content. Clearly I am a badass). I then had graduation to deal with, the need to sort my life out, starting an MA, a new (temporary) job and having to deal with a family tragedy. In summary, it has been a busy half year and I certainly will not be sad to reach the close of the chapter of 2010.

However, before we can say our fond farewells to the last twelve months I need to clarify one thing; the next person to discuss William and Waity Katie’s upcoming nuptials with me will get a slap. A really big one. I do not know them personally ergo I DO NOT care if they have chosen to tie the knot after so many years together. I hate weddings and I barely take an interest in the weddings of people I know and so I am not going to exert myself enough to be interested in a Royal matrimonial celebration.

Also, why are my GPs so damned clueless? If they are not abrasive/attempt to prescribe me medicine I would be allergic to they are apathetic, socially retarded, impatient, rude and patronising.

Finally, yes, I understand that half of the Lib Dem MPs broke their longstanding promise regarding tuition fees (my local MP included) but the next diehard Labour party supporter to talk about the Con/Fib Dems will be put in their place. I am not happy about it either but the fact of the matter is that individuals who natter on about the Lib Dems betraying students but consider themselves to be ardent Labour supporters are special kinds of hypocrites. Tuition fees were initially INTRODUCED by Labour in 1998. Following this it was stated in the 2001 Labour manifesto that they would "not introduce top-up fees". Needless to say this was not the case and top up fees were introduced in 2004. Moreover, from that time and up until the General Election of 2010, Labour were still considering raising fees further. It was not until they were firmly ensconced in opposition that they 'championed' the rights of students regarding fees. Then again, they were against the Iraq War too apparently.

To clarify, of course I am angry at what has happened and I cannot believe the situation my sister will find herself facing in a few short years. Nevertheless, I am going to judge the party I have supported since I was 16 on their overall achievements/failings in government and I am not about to jump on Miliband’s bandwagon.

Dubai Part 2

2010-07-10T13:32:00.011+01:00

I wrote part two sooner than I thought I would and what is more, I should be posting my next rant within the week. What is it about? Let us call it ‘On Marriage Part 2’. I really did not want to delve into that topic again but I have to. Apparently graduation changes things and my mother’s quiet acceptance of my disinterest has vanished, God bless her. So if you liked what I had to say last time, the next one should make you laugh. Until then, Dubai.

Trying people managed to find me wherever I went in Dubai. Something as simple as attempting to watch a film in the cinema was disturbed by inconsiderate individuals. We went to watch Robin Hood only to be sat in front of the most irritating men on the planet. They were Saudis, judging by their accents, and were unable to shut up. They talked throughout it and the ushers standing nearby did nothing to stop their chatter. One of the guys read the Arabic subtitles for the rest. Possibly his three friends were illiterate and he was doing them a kindness. Whatever the reason, it was damned annoying. A member of his illiterate posse then decided to rest his face in the space between the seats of myself and a cousin. I assumed he did not understand how truly weird that was. What on earth? It was bad enough trying to concentrate on the film with the nonstop babble but turning around to find his face resting on my chair was extremely disconcerting. When we finally left I could not stop myself from pointing at them and making a rude remark. Unfortunately, though Arabic curses are incredibly effective I do not know how to do this and it had to be in English. I admit that I felt incredibly pleased with myself but my cousin remarked that since their grasp of Arabic was so poor they probably could not understand English (the rise in deficiency in the Arabic language in Arabic speaking countries has actually prompted initiatives to combat it) which rendered my insult ineffective.

I was then made to endure a lady in a pharmacy approaching me about my ‘acne’ and a miracle cure that would supposedly rid me of it. I did not ask for her advice but if I did have acne, which I do not, I would not go to someone who merely wanted to secure a sale and would try to convince me that guano helps skin to accomplish that. Instead I would ask my GP to either prescribe me something or refer me to a dermatologist. I did not appreciate being approached by a patronising saleslady with mock sympathy on her face. Do you think I do not own a mirror? I know what is going on with my face and I am undoubtedly my harshest critic. Unless I ask you about it, DO NOT APPROACH ME, it is rude. Basically, bugger off. My ‘acne’ was actually as a result of the centuries-old dusty tomes I had to deal with whilst writing my dissertation and an unfortunate habit of touching my face. It was especially galling that my purpose in going to the pharmacy was to buy some tanning cream but my attempt at browning up was a spectacular flop. This in turn meant that my experience with the saleslady was for nought. Women were turning brown or red (Not that I condone burning. Pink skin is neither healthy nor attractive, it looks raw. Turning pink? Seek shade) before my very eyes but I remained as white as ever. I was also exposed to some seriously disturbing sights. Ladies, I concede that it is a women only day but it is a beach and not your bathroom; some things are supposed to remain a mystery.

Another individual I found a little funny, not necessarily trying as I cannot say I was irritated by him, was a man who worked at Dubai’s iFly. It was something I was not particularly enthusiastic to try (I was a little ill on the day of the outing) but I decided to go through with so that I would not regret not trying it. The instructor saw that I looked somewhat reluctant and could not believe why. I explained I did not find it particularly gripping and he was adamant that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I said nothing but secretly thought “yeah right Mohinder” (he was identical to Dr. Suresh but was significantly more tatted and pierced). I mean really, how was this a unique opportunity? If you have £40 to spare you can try it in numerous cities around the world. It is indoor skydiving, not time travel. Basically, you get in a tube with an instructor, you’re blown up the tube and you ‘fly’. In a way the instructor was right; I probably would not repeat it.

One thing I absolutely loved was jet skiing. I was initially adamant that I would not be joining in as my inability to swim would make the attempt incredibly stupid. Somewhere along the line I was convinced that it would be fun and that I should at least try it and not to worry about drowning as I would be wearing a lifejacket. This seemed reasonable enough until we were actually presented with the inappropriately named lifejackets. I am not exaggerating when I say that there was no way in hell those jackets had been updated in the last ten years. Mine was ripped and looked as if adding to my weight and causing me to sink would be its contribution were my jet ski to tip over (many of them had capsized). I finally threw caution to the wind and agreed to it and found myself enjoying it immensely. Admittedly I had some incredibly morbid thoughts at the same time as my relishing the experiencing and I was offering up little prayers to God to keep my jet ski from flipping over or the engine exploding (the smell of petrol or whatever it was filled with was overwhelming. It smelt so bad that I was convinced something was burning). Nevertheless, it was thrilling.

Clearly I have been gifted with incredible kindness to my fellow humankind, common sense and intelligence, al7amdullilah.

Dubai Part 1: Football

2010-07-06T14:51:00.009+01:00

It has been two weeks since I got back to London and since then I have been catching up with my friends, on my sleep, my reading and my favourite television programmes. Simple pleasures. I have also received my degree classification which I am happy with but shall not disclose as the department warns that degree classifications can change (as they have to be approved by the independent classification board, though this never actually happens, or something). Instead I am waiting for graduation so that I may say that I am officially a BA (hons) History graduate.

Whilst it is true that I love London, to me this is the greatest city on earth, sometimes you need to get away and two weeks abroad has not nearly satisfied this need. I want more holiday time; I was not ready to leave my family in Dubai or put an end to the fun I was having. So what did I get up to whilst I was away? Largely every day things, the added bonus being that it was with family (and when family is usually a little thin on the ground it really does make a whole world of difference. One such thing was going out to watch the football. The first game my cousins, sister and I went to watch was the pitiful England vs USA game. The location somewhat made up for the appalling match. That is to say, I got a kick out of it. It was a restaurant/bar where most of the people smoked or had a hooka pipe nearby. What I found particularly amusing was the contrast in clientele. On the one hand you had a group of overweight stoner types with women who looked suspiciously like prostitutes (I really am not trying to be mean) reminiscent of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, and on the other hand many robed men came in with their niqab-wearing wives. It was similar to a vicars, or in this case nuns, and tarts party and I certainly found the contrast hilarious. It reminded me of the Islamic Global Peace and Unity event of 2008 being held next to Anime Expo.

The next match we went to watch was the Brazil vs North Korea match on a large screen overlooking the Dubai Mall Ice rink. Even the skaters sat down on the ice to catch some of the game. That these young guys could sit down on the ice irrespective of the doubtless cold they were feeling was in my opinion insane. Take a seat on the side and enjoy, why literally freeze your bottom off?

Pneumonia courting teens aside, this match was interesting in that practically everyone present was with Brazil bar our group and a handful of others. I have nothing against the Samba Boys but I like me an underdog and I am not about to penalise a football team for their government. Aside from the surprise North Korean goal in the second half (Ji Yun-Nam’s look of ecstatic shock was priceless), the funniest thing about this game was the man seated in front of us. He was an Arab and was sitting next to a couple of, what I assumed to be, South Korean ladies and was desperately trying to impress them. The only problem was that for the first 55 minutes of the game we had no idea who he was supporting because from the first five minutes he seemed to be huffing and puffing and hanging his head in despair no matter which team lost the ball. His movements were exaggerated and he kept sneaking glances as his two lady companions to see whether they were aware of his vested interest in the game. It was hilarious viewing and certainly livened up the goalless first half of the match.

The next and final game we went to watch was the England vs Algeria match. My cousins, sister and I all left with the English flag painted on our cheeks and an optimistic sense of enthusiasm, naively believing England would easily beat Algeria. The humiliating draw was agony in a room full of Algeria fans celebrating their draw. What made this even more unbearable was not that those who noticed our painted faces felt the need to make a snarky comment but that the Al Jazeera commentator could not seem to stop talking. Every second of the game had to be filled with the sound of his annoying and partisan commentary. His inability to pronounce Steven Gerrard’s name had me in a rage. “Steven Gerrrraaaaaaaaarrrrr” he would scream and every time I would wait for the d that never came. He was also practically panting with lust for Karim Ziani and made grand statements regarding Ziani’s heroism, it being his day and shouting instructions at the referee whenever the England players cried foul or the Algerians were reprimanded (I wish I could find a video of how irritating this truly was). Thankfully England has finally been knocked out and I no longer have to be plagued by embarrassment due to my loyalty to the national team. Vamos España!

Honestly, I absolutely enjoyed myself and I have a few other stories to tell. I shall attempt to include a nice paragrapgh in my next post, somewhere, because from the above I am clearly a lovely person with nothing but good to say about my fellow humans.

To Arrogant Bigots: Stay At Home

2010-06-11T00:53:00.006+01:00

According to my last blog post I have not written anything since May 5th. I cannot believe it has been just over one month. Have I really been THAT inactive? I am sorry for the absence but the Queen Mary exam period took over my life. I also had to plan and shop for my holiday. I have many other reasonable explanations (I believe) but I will not go on about them. In short it has been more than a little hectic. I had one last exam on Tuesday and I flew out to Dubai on the same day (Jumeirah Beach here I come. I am going to tan if it kills me. Actually I am not even going to joke about that since that is an actual possibility with this amount of sun). I admit I was a little worried that Eyjafjallajokull was going to misbehave and that maybe, just maybe, Katla would decide to join in on the mayhem. Thankfully that was not the case and I will hopefully return with tales of my time in the Middle East.

There really is not that much I can comment on as of yet except for the appalling attitude of some of the tourists here. I understand that we all have grumbles about our journeys but that is pretty much part and parcel of travelling. What I absolutely cannot understand is why people choose to travel to countries they obviously have prejudices about. What is more, they do very little to conceal their attitude of superiority. No country is perfect and some are drastically less so than others but if you choose to visit another nation a little open mindedness would not hurt. Tourists do not have the right to treat the locals with contempt and sneer at customs for no apparent reason. Immediately upon arriving to Dubai I was greeted by a drunken man disparaging the country and questioning "why in this damned country nothing leads to the place one immediately needs to get to". He then looked around and upon discovering that there were local looking people next to him he sneered and pleaded "please please please if there is a Protestant God let this lift take me to where I need to be". He then placed his head in his hands and muttered something about Dubai being an awful place.

I am not suggesting that he did not have a right to complain, God knows I am a serial whinger. What irritated me was that he seemed to revel in his contempt and that, based on his own ramblings; it was obviously based on bigotry.

CONdescending

2010-05-05T17:46:00.006+01:00

What would we ethnics do without our minority Barbies?

The shock headline today is Baroness Warsi stating that Muslims should not go into government because Muslims in parliament are immoral. I would personally like to suggest that the Lady Warsi has been at the crack but that is libellous and so I shall keep my smartass comments to myself (confine them to my facebook status).

I would argue the allegations made against her former husband about his divorcing his first wife without her ability to comprehend what was truly happening (with Warsi’s knowledge) was immoral, thereby undermining her own credibility to judge what can be deemed as such. Of course these are merely allegations and I fully believe in innocent until proven guilty. What I am really trying to say is that it is outrageous to make unsubstantiated claims (an example being my comments based merely on the first wife’s assertions). Warsi has no right to make such sweeping statements about Muslims, even if she is one, based on her dealings with a small number of our faith.

Her claim was that “one of the lessons we have learned in the last five years in politics is that Muslims that go to parliament don't have any morals or principles”. What does that even mean Sayeeda and how could it possibly have been taken out of context? The Conservative party claiming her comment, made partially in Urdu, was misinterpreted is desperate. Please! Spin another tale, one that cannot be disproved by the masses of Urdu speakers that we actually have in this country.

I appreciate that not everyone will agree with me but I believe the debate surrounding minorities in government is missing the point. Minorities should not be catapulted to stand for seats on the basis that they are minorities; potential parliamentarians should be chosen on the basis of their talent and drive. I completely disagree with mechanisms such as women-only short-lists. It is almost suggesting that women could not be selected on merit alone because they somehow fall short in comparison to men.

People like Dean McAstree, who has argued that "we have to have representatives who reflect the society we have. By effectively pushing Dawn Butler out in this constituency, they're saying to minorities: 'You don't need representation, we can do it for you'”, are out of touch with reality. MPs should not be elected on the basis of colour, gender, religion or sexual orientation. I say this as a minority, being a female Muslim Arab. I do not feel that I am being told I am not welcome in politics if an ethnic minority loses their seat. Dawn Butler’s loss would actually make me happy. Not because she is a black woman but because she is an incompetent MP. She cares more for government than her constituents.

It is necessary to make politics more inclusive of minorities but we should not allow ourselves to promote minorities on that basis alone. Not only are we minorities better than that but positive discrimination is discrimination all the same and it does not ensure that the best person suited for the job gets it. Politics should be beyond that.

Why cannot individuals be represented by others who do not exactly match their race, religion, gender and/or sexuality? That is true inclusiveness.

Weight a Minute!

2010-04-12T02:24:00.005+01:00

I have written close to a dozen posts since my last, none of which I decided to publish. Why? Because I didn’t even care to read them for me to assume anyone else would want to. These included me ranting about Stephanie ‘the world is ganging up on poor Israel to side with Islamic terrorists and yes ignorance truly is bliss’ Gutmann and my whinging about my small weight gain (it has left me a couple of cm too big for a dress I intend to wear to a wedding in two months). Ultimately I decided the former does not deserve my time and effort and who cares about the latter? In this modern world of stick thin beauties and starved looking celebrities I can proudly say I enjoy my food. I am not even that bothered about those extra lbs, I’m still an 8.

What I am depressed about is Ricky Martin coming out as gay. I was so distraught that I actually went out and bought the new Yardley tear-proof mascara. In all sincerity, how could it possibly have occurred to me that a man with a penchant for speedos, tight low cut see-through tops and full body waxes preferred men? True, he was caught frolicking on the beach with equally buff male ‘friends’ but was that supposed to be an indication? Wait, it was his brother you say? Sorry Ricky, firstly for the insinuation and secondly because your brother is insanely pretty, possibly the hotter Martin. It’s alright; I still have love for you. Nevertheless, I didn’t have a clue, it really was a shocker, honest.

On a more serious note, I really am distraught about the Digital Economy Bill. Its inception was in the House of Lords, amongst people who probably think a torrent has something to do with the weather, so of course it would pass there. I am infuriated by the fact that my local MP actually voted for it. Dawn Butler can claim upward of £60000 on dodgy expenses and her employees make spurious claims, sent from fictitious addresses, about her opponent for Brent Central, Sarah Teather, but Ms Butler feels she has the right to penalise the general public. Needless to say this is another mark against her. Let us not overlook the fact that the Digital Economy Bill was sponsored by the unelected and previously disgraced Lord Mandelson. Yes, a man twice made to resign over allegations of corruption and influence peddling is taking the moral high ground on internet piracy. Naturally, debate on the matter is unnecessary and a bill of this magnitude could not possibly deserve more than two hours of consideration.

At least I eventually pay for what I download; I merely want to watch my favourite programmes when the people of North America do, a year before they reach Britain (if ever). That is more than I can say for Dawn Butler and her whirlpool bathtub.

iComplain

2010-03-30T00:57:00.008+01:00

A friend often tells me that I moan a lot. I am never irritated by this but I started thinking about it. Yes, I do have many complaints and yes, I do voice them. Why not? Surely complaining is a good thing? It may seem like I whine too much but I manage to keep an awful lot to myself (believe it or not). I also have a number of positive things to say but that is never taken into account (I guess this is a complaint in itself). I am not referring to the more important matters such as identity cards and Palestinian suffering etcetera (because it goes without saying we should complain about those things), rather I am referring to trivial matters. If we do not complain about the things that irritate us, who will?

For example, my Oyster card was stolen on my birthday last week, and yet I am required to pay a £5 fee to replace it. Why? I did not ask to have someone take it from me. I also spend more than £800 a year on travel, surely TFL can replace a bit of cheap plastic for free? Worse off is the poor soul that misplaces the snooping device that is our electronic travel card. £10 administration fees to refund tickets for a lost Oyster for clicking a button and writing a check? That is contemptible. Why should I NOT complain about miserly policies such as the aforementioned?

Am I wrong to be aggravated by the fact that a library worker at QMUL, who patrols to keep the silence, stood behind me for twenty minutes despite me being alone and hushed? Why is it that he merely told the guys next to me to be quiet but when I proceeded to walk to the other side of the library, having tired of his prying, he somehow managed to turn up and demand my ID, intending to ban me, for the two sentences I whispered to my friends? Seriously, get over yourself Madam Pince. His vulture-like presence is not at all conducive to studying.

Moreover, (at the risk of sounding like a grumpy OAP) why on earth do teenage boys feel the need to name and shame girls they have allegedly been with? Why does that have to occur on the tube? The misogynistic gremlins feel the need to detail what they have been allowed to do, what they thought of the girls’ bodies, whether they were hoes or girls who appeared to be churchgoers but were in actual fact also skanky (yes, all girls are skanky according to these young Lotharios. The fact that they have been with all these girls could not possibly include them in that damning conclusion). Girls who did not do anything at all were bitches in their opinion. Child please, if you were getting up to half of what you claimed to be, you would be out there doing it and not loudly bragging about it on a train for your friend’s admiration.

Or perhaps I should stay silent about the fact that I found it completely unacceptable that a man followed me from Queen’s Park to Oxford Circus and proceeded to completely embarrass me by demanding I take his number (despite the fact that I told him I had no intention of contacting him)? Apparently he wanted to be friends because I appeared to be a pleasant person. Nice try Chapman, no one takes half an hour out of their day, following a stranger, just to be pals. I do not befriend stalkers. Should I have thanked him and those around us (who stood by watching and giggling instead of aiding me in telling the man where to go)?

Everyone has the right to complain, it does not necessarily mean others will want to listen (or read as the case may be), and that is fine, but if something needs to be said, say it. I certainly do and intend to continue doing so.

Stupid C/Z List Celebrities

2010-03-09T05:10:00.007Z

I cannot speak for the rest of humanity but I, for one, am fed up with hearing about Tiger Woods, John Terry, Cheryl Cole and most annoyingly, Jordan/Peter/Alex.

**** (Insert whichever expletive suits you best) OFF.

I do not care that a Lion would not cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood. John Terry can be intimate with as many girls as he wishes in disabled toilets; I am not interested. Cheryl Cole may choose to go to marriage counselling with Ashley Cole, despite having previously fought for their love only to end up with a husband who should be weak, limp and lifeless for all other women but is not; this does not affect me. Finally, I would rather spend the day with Rupert Murdoch than have to hear about how many shades of tangerine Jordan/Pete/Alex paint themselves, who has cut/straightened/dyed which kid’s hair, taken them to inappropriate venues/dressed them tastelessly/dresses in apparel intended for the opposite gender, how much the ring cost, Alex’s parents being upset because of his shotgun wedding or his Delhi belly during the honeymoon. Shut the hell up and stop reporting about these useless numpties.

The magazines and papers should have a blanket ban on all things Jordan/Pete/Alex related. It makes fiscal sense; I cannot be the only person fed up with this nonsense. Surely the good people of this nation, and indeed the world at large, are so bored by this that they will stop buying papers/magazines reporting on the aforementioned predominantly talentless wastes?

Why do these idiots think we care how large Peter Andre/John Terry/Tiger Wood’s appendages are? Why is this mentioned in the evening news? Who on earth watches anything with Jordan in it? Who actually goes out of their way to buy her numerous autobiographies? Why does she have numerous autobiographies, what can she possibly have to write about?

Jordan 1: I got another boob job and Pete liked it. We had a kid.

Jordan 2: We had another kid and named her Princess because it’s well classy. I reduced my bust because Pete likes elegant women; we had fish and chips afterward.

Jordan 3: Yeah, we broke up, I hooked up with a new fella, dumped him, got a new chappy, he cross dresses, he did celeb big brother and I decided to cash in on his weird appeal by getting hitched to him in Las Vegas, oh yeah; he beats people up for a living.

Truly scintillating stuff Ms Price, however, in the words of Lauren Cooper; I still aint bovered.

Regardless, this is ‘celebrity’ gossip, begging the question(s):

WHY ARE DUMB PEOPLE ASKING ABOUT THESE UTTER MORONS ON QUESTION TIME? WHY SHOULD A POLITICIAN ANSWER SUCH STUPID AND UNRELATED QUESTIONS?

Speculate on this idiocy with your familiars and allow the rest of us our one remaining bastion against the cult of the Z list celebrity.

Twits.

Those Bloody Immigrants

2010-02-26T02:28:00.016Z

As some of you might be aware I am an avid reader of the Daily Mail (or the Daily Fail as I like to think of it). Yes, I am addicted to that unashamedly fascist rag parading as a newspaper. Why? Very simply; the level of intolerance displayed by both its journalists and the readers commenting on its articles never ceases to amaze me. It is an incredibly complex topic with many underlying issues and a blog post simply will not do it justice. However, I am literally shaking in outrage because of the latest batch of popular reader comments and as such have to write about it. Forgive me if this lacks clarity, it is 2:35 am and I am running on coffee and tired from working on my dissertation.

In all likeliness you have heard the rants of the xenophobic far-right accusing migrants of stealing jobs, taking their houses and the bloody immigrants given priority over the 'indigenous' people of this land.

Bigotry and ignorance are recurrent themes amongst the DM journalists with the self-satisfied Liz Jones questioning why ‘we’ are “so afraid to criticise practices that are clearly anti-women and anti-child just because those indulging in them have dark skins” and Melanie Phillips opining that “the Jews are the only people for whom ‘Palestine’ was ever their nation state, hundreds of years before Mohammed was even born”. Under one scaremongering article with a headline stating “Maternity units turn away British mums as immigrants’ baby boom cost NHS £350 million”, a helpful little picture is provided depicting two Muslim women in Niqabs pushing prams. As we all know, all immigrants are Muslims and no Muslim could possibly be British. An image such as the aforementioned is the perfect way to stoke the flames of hatred without explicitly expressing hatred for Muslims. It is an image that is bound to result in the far-right racists typing vitriolic rants in response. I certainly do not need to mention Jan Moir and the Stephen Gately affair or list the manifold despicable articles by Richard Littlejohn.

A Daily Mail article which particularly angered me, as a result of the responses it attracted, was in relation to the Ulster attacks on Romanian migrants. The Daily Mail readers did not have any sympathy for the besieged Romanians, instead, comments such as “I suppose they'll end up in England to join the millions of others we're forced to live with. Oh joy” attracted 1267 green arrows. Comments expressing outrage such as “shame people have to resort to violence just because they don't like a group of people living in their area” attracted 506 red ones. If one was to read an article about the BNP; the comments at the bottom of the page that are green arrowed would be lambasting immigrants and alluding to an upcoming revolt/war. These are the kinds of individuals this rag draws in. It may seem unfair to blame a paper for the comments it attracts but when much of its pages are dedicated to attacking immigration; the paper is to blame. It is especially responsible when it refuses to display comments politely, but reasonably, refuting why the article and those commenting are wrong.

The article that set me off today was about an Australian anti-immigration MP moving to Britain as a result of the many ‘foreigners’ in Australia. Those commenting welcomed her for being the right sort of immigrant. Her family moved to Australia from Britain in the early 1900s but because she is white, and her family originated in Britain, she’s the right sort of immigrant. The notion of a person’s right to live in a country based on geographic and genetic heritage is absolutely bizarre. Under this reasoning I have the right to move to Spain because my mother’s family originated there, before Isabelle I of Castile expelled the Muslims in the early 1500s. I mean really, how far back must we go? Perhaps, as the Melanie Phillips quote seems to suggest, we need to go back very far indeed. The fact that one group’s ancestors never moved or may have a longer history of settlement does not make an individual more entitled than newcomers. Yet, according to these BNP supporting readers, an individual could be a fourth generation migrant but if they were of the wrong colour, religion or had a foreign sounding name; they would still be considered immigrants, taking what was rightfully for the indigenous population.

The most amusing thing of all is the number of these ‘British’ anti-immigrant bashers signing off from continental Europe. Am I missing something? I assume the irony of the situation is lost on them. The mind truly boggles.

Silliness

2010-02-16T23:00:00.014Z

Yesterday I attended an event organised by the QMUL Palestine Solidarity Society called “Eyewitnesses from Gaza”. As is the case with all these events a question and answer session ensued. One of the speakers was the hugely controversial Azzam Tamimi. He made a speech about Hamas and the Palestinian resistance in Gaza, as he usually does. A girl in the audience took exception to this and angrily questioned how he could support Hamas when they wanted to drive the Israelis into the sea.

Now I admit I could be wrong but as a Palestinian I have heard Israelis being called a number of things in addition to numerous proposed solutions to the conflict but one thing I have never heard is that particular phrase. Not from Hamas or any other Palestinian. The only time I have heard that phrase being used was by young Israeli children on the television, proudly boasting of how they intended to do this to the Palestinians before it was done to them. Obviously it was something they had been taught by their parents. I do not know the origins of this statement but it reminds me of the story of the Israelites being led to the sea which Moses parted for them. It is possible the phrase was actually conjured by the Israelis themselves and attributed to the Palestinians for an especially emotive response. Who knows? I certainly do not.

Regardless, whether or not Hamas have stated that they intend to drive the Israelis into the sea is immaterial. It was not the idiocy of the question that irritated me, it was her behaviour. Despite her being in a room that was heavily in favour of the Palestinians, not once was she heckled, booed or verbally abused. It was all very civil. The only person who was not civil was the girl asking the question. When another member of the audience attempted to answer her question she refused to look at him and in actual fact placed her hand against her face and turned away from him. Why ask a question and ‘engage’ in a debate if you have no intention of listening to the other side dumbass?

She might as well have been protesting against Dr. Tamimi’s presence with the other JSOC members, she clearly had no intention of seriously debating him, she merely wanted to chastise him.

Deviating from close minded individuals I would like to devote a few of lines to something a little awkward. I have tried to be a little discreet but if you are easily disgusted or offended do not read on.

When it comes to inexpensive and potentially awkward items, if you ever see one fall out of an individual’s bag, it is safe to assume that they would prefer if it was not returned to them. Chasing a girl and tapping her on her shoulder to return an inexpensive and incredibly awkward item is generally not the wisest thing to do. Even in a situation in which the item is needed the chance of the gesture being appreciated is slim.

Kudos for being mature but spare his/her blushes, leave it in the rain where it fell.

Inconsiderate Smokers

2010-02-11T16:19:00.012Z

A quick pc disclaimer: This is about inconsiderate smokers not all smokers.

If you have had a lesson with me in the past three weeks you might have noticed that I have a cough, a really horrible, inconvenient one.

I have this thing about smoke you see; my body absolutely cannot handle it. At the mere hint of smoke my throat closes, my lungs seize up and I cannot breathe. This is then followed by horrible body-wracking coughs.

For the most part I attempt to avoid smokers and their toxic fumes (smoker friends do not do it around me out of courtesy). However, this is not possible when smokers disregard the fact that there is a smoking ban in almost all enclosed public places and workplaces throughout the country.

My university, as one example, has a smoking ban on campus but it is not enforced and so there is little point to it. I understand that with the exams, essays, presentations and the endless deadlines we are all stressed, and yes some of us have some traumas and hardships, but do not tell me your life is so stressful that you cannot wait 5 minutes to get off campus to light one up. Please! Prohibition is not in place, do not exaggerate your need.

It is everywhere! Leave the Francis Bancroft building and someone is smoking, exit the library and a couple are sharing a cigarette whilst holding hands as if it is a bonding session, walk from one class to another and someone walks past you blowing their smoke into your face. I do wonder what the reaction would be if I were to cough in a smoker's face. I would merely be returning the favour.

Even if I do not like it I can understand when this happens outside of the Arts building on the main road because that is not a public place. Granted some of them resemble a bunch of pseudo-intellectual douches, wanting to get in on the act with the actual smokers, but they are not in breach of any rules. And yes, it would be nice if they could do this alongside the building wall and not directly in front of the main doors but at least it is on the road and therefore not on campus.

It is a case of common courtesy. Feel free to damage your health in a place where it does not endanger mine.

On Marriage

2010-02-09T22:34:00.006Z

The Hesitant Betrothed by Auguste Toulmouche.

Marriage is an ominous, somewhat predictable, topic as far as I am concerned. However, being both a Muslim and an Arab, I was bound to discuss it sooner or later. It was not a completely random subject though I did not start assessing the implications of my age (20 is an appropriate age for marriage according to Muslim and Arab culture you see) and the fact that my degree is almost over either. Instead, my writing about it is as a result of a presentation I have on Friday on Al-Ghazali’s exploration of perceived advantages and disadvantages in his book on the Etiquette of Marriage. This reminded me of a conversation I recently had with my mother which occurred as a result of one of my closest friends becoming engaged.

It is a widely known fact amongst my friends and family that I have no interest in the matter. I honestly believe that, at the age of 20, I am far too young to be concerned by it and I also really could not care less. I have no interest in marriage, ever. Cue the sighs of disbelief, followed by the assertion that this will all change soon and that everyone goes through this phase and I will undoubtedly be married before anyone else in our circle (according to one friend I have a year and a half left to get engaged or married) and that I am very immature.

Needless to say, my mother is becoming increasingly frustrated because she is slowly beginning to believe me. “Well what else did you expect? Do you think all girls are as crazy as you are?” She huffed, when informed of my friend’s engagement. “Only I have been cursed with such ridiculous daughters.” This coming from a woman who abstained from marriage until she was 30, something that was completely unheard of in the Arab world for her time.

My mother is living in the hope that I meet someone that I instantaneously fall for, failing that scenario, I turn to her for help. Somewhat surprising considering she is convinced that I will have several failed marriages (I have a temper. I am working on it).

I do not understand this society. Instead of encouraging women to reach their full potential, educate their selves (though in my case, my family stresses the importance of knowledge) and explore the field of work, there is an extreme amount of pressure on women to finish schooling as soon as possible, marry and start a family. Unfortunately, a stigma is still attached to women who reach their late 20s and have yet to marry.

The impression I have been given is that Arab (and Muslim) girls start young. It is as if from the age of 15 they are trained to look for potential spouses (I am aware that I am generalising, I apologise if you feel it does not apply to you). Perhaps my parents forgot to let me in on the secret? Girls you’re teenagers, when did you stop playing with your Barbies, honestly? I sometimes wonder if the majority of these young women attend university to look for husbands and not because they care to continue their education.

I am not anti-marriage by any means with regard to anyone but myself but it is not the be all and end all either. I am fed up with being treated as if my lack of interest in it, and relationships in general, makes me abnormal. I believe in a little thing called naseeb i.e. fate, if it is meant to be it will be but I am certainly not going out of my way to tempt it.

Real Football Hooliganism: The ‘Intellectual Debate’.

2010-02-06T23:24:00.009Z

If you are an Arab or a friend of an Arab you will know that ever since the World Cup qualifiers, Algerians and Egyptians have formed a deep and unrelenting loathing for one another. Physical fights actually broke out with the Egyptians claiming the Algerian players injured each other as opposed to Egyptians hurting them and the Algerians understandably refuting this. In turn, Algerian fans rioted and clashed with the Egyptian fans in Khartoum and since then it has developed into a diplomatic crises with officials and celebrities from both nations speaking out against the other.

The situation is all the more pathetic in light of the fact that this mass antipathy is as a result of football.

The reason I mention this now, and not following the African Cup of Nations semi-finals match between Algeria and Egypt a week ago, is due to the fact that a number of friends recently became fans of ‘You Won't Get It, Its An Arab Thing’ [sic] on facebook. Though I had no intention of joining, as I tend to avoid overly nationalistic sentiments, I was curious. I decided to look through the comments on the wall of this fan page. It was not long before I came across an argument pitting Egypt against Algeria.

The conversation began innocently enough but a few cheers for Algeria and Egypt soon descended into a slanging match. The message that started it all off was written by a rather ignorant girl who was under the belief that the Islamic faith taught that Allah had a mother and that this mother was an Egyptian. She had obviously never read Surat Il-Ikhlas but that is another matter. Within this message she chastisesd Algerians for labelling ”Allah’s mother” a ‘charmoota’ (prostitute) because according to her, labelling Egypt a prostitute was to insult God’s mother.

She had looked to religion to validate her statement, as people tend to do, when there appears to be no other way of justifying their point. The fact that the theology behind her logic was wrong is irrelevant. Her stance against Algeria caused a cyber riot.

An Algerian took exception to her defence and it soon became an argument of who was the uglier, more whorish, spoke better English, whether the Egyptians were betraying the Palestinians and informing the other to have sexual relations with their mothers. Needless to say, it was an incredibly sophisticated tête-à-tête.

The following samples capture the tone of the aforementioned dialogue in a way that I simply cannot:

“lol you won the cup good job how many hungry egyptian mouths you gonna feed with it.” [sic]

“Algeria have been beaten by egyptians 4-0? so u can higly go fuck your mum [...]you ethier Countie being a faggout like all algerians or you etheir just say "I loose you win" cuz i alwasy do babe trust me.” [sic]

“You tendly people dont even no how to talk English all you speak is french and arabic . Egypt speak , english , Spainsh , French and german. Guten tag ? i guess well not bitch.” [sic]

“ur a fucking stupid bitch i swear haha ur hidious take off those glasses so we can see more of that ugliness” [sic]

“Algerinas arent muslims they are JEWS go to hell wait? ALL ALGERIANS. Go grow hair on your so called "balls". Egypt was the first coutry to be made thhen africa was made, WE MADE THE LANGUAGE YOU TALK THE WRITING YOU WRITE WE MADE. FUCK YOU. HOES ONLY COME FROM ALGERIA.” [sic]

I admit to being rather intrigued by the fact that the Egyptian girl informed the Algerian guy that he did not have a grasp of the English language despite her own message being more similar to Martian than it was to English. I imagine this is what the education system produces thanks to New Labour. General Election soon, BIG HINT: Liberal Democrats. Oh yes, I am as subtle as an axe wielding madman when it comes to political plugs.

I have attached a screen dump of the aforementioned debate for the curious. For those who value their IQ, it is not recommended reading. Hatred for other Arabic nations, vulgarity, anti-Semitism, homophobia, butchering the English language, they have mastered all of these and a great deal more. I would say grow up but in relation to people like that is there a point?

So much for cultural affiliation. No doubt their collective mothers are incredibly proud.

Islam and Humanity or Islam vs. Humanity?

2010-01-17T00:18:00.017Z

Before I launch into what I mean by Islam and Humanity or Islam vs. Humanity I have to say that that my posts have become preachier than I would like as of late but I am finding it more and more unavoidable. I also need to explain that yesterday during a status conversation on facebook, asking for prayers and help for the people of Haiti, I happened to read something that I was far too appalled by to form a reply to. It followed a discussion which began as a result of another individual who enquired whether the people of Haiti practised voodoo. Many of us quickly questioned why that would matter and also chastised the person for the ignorance that remark revealed. I did not know the initial offender or the one whose comment I found even more offensive but those who read what was written were left speechless and in a state of shock. I decided to leave the second comment alone because replying to it would only be satisfying my own anger and at that point anything I wrote would be compromised by my rage.

To understand what was wrong with the second individual’s comment I believe it is a necessary evil to display it here. This is it, unedited and in its entirety: “Ibrahim (AS) was not permitted to make dua for his own father not because his father was an enemy to his religion but it was because he died a mushrik. Rasullaahi (SAW) was not allowed to make dua for Abu Taalib (his uncle) after his death and he referred to the aya's that were revealed about Ibrahims father. This is as far as I am aware a matter of consensus. Furthermore these incidents are for us and people of haiti in particular to take as warnings.... who would make dua for people of aad or thamoud who all except for the few were' innocent' and not hostile???? Before humanity we are muslim. So make dua Allah guides all, Muslim and Non-muslim, to the truth. Allah has established the deen for us in the most just manner. And Allah knows best.”

Now, I do not claim to be perfect. I have written a lot of stupid things, mostly as a joke but I will acknowledge it. However, the above comment is not only distasteful to the extreme it also indicates an incredibly sinister way of thinking. To suggest that praying for the people of Haiti is wrong or to not be able to feel compassion for them and to try to justify this by stating this is an Islamic ideology is repugnant. The thought of anyone interpreting this tragedy as something we must take as a warning and voicing a hope the Haitians and others will find Islam through it, as opposed to sympathising with those who are suffering and attempting to find out what they can do to help, disgusts me. Whereas I would ordinarily point out that we are all human, and as such that none of us are better than the other, the person who wrote the above comment sees religion as coming before humanity, as if the two cannot go hand in hand. Unfortunately, as the aforementioned individual tried to justify the expressed view through religion I find that I must also look to religion to nullify the argument.

Very simply, as a friend recently pointed out, the narratives of Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim and Sunan An-Nasais all relate that “Once the Prophet was seated at some place in Madinah, along with his Companions. During this time a funeral procession passed by. On seeing this, the Prophet stood up. One of his companions remarked that the funeral was that of a Jew. The Prophet replied, “Was he not a human being?”

Now as many others have interpreted, this hadith is demonstrative of the fact that from an Islamic perspective we must all have compassion for one another, regardless of religion or various other differences. We are all humans and we are therefore all equal. I also believe that this narrative is indicative of the fact that the Prophet Muhammad did not believe his faith was working against humanity but with it. Islam AND humanity not Islam before it.

What I also found incredibly offensive was that the individual who wrote that rather vitriolic comment labels Haitians as hostile with only a few amongst them as innocent. What I cannot comprehend is what they are hostile against for only a small minority amongst them to be considered innocent and thus not deserving help or compassion. Moreover, according to the Quran, "You are not responsible for guiding anyone. God is the only one who guides whoever chooses. Any charity you give is for your own good. Any charity you give shall be for the sake of God. Any charity you give will be repaid to you, without the least injustice." [2:272] Therefore, according to Islamic teachings, it is not up to an individual to decide who is deserving of charity on the basis of religion because what another chooses to believe or to disbelieve is not anyone's concern but that individual. Furthermore, it cannot be held against them. Unconditional charity is considered vital to Islamic faith.

I cannot get over how close minded and selfish some people can be when they are met with a culture that may not match their own. When that close mindedness persists even when faced with a tragedy such as this it is all the more upsetting. As a Muslim I am thoroughly ashamed to be associated with others of my faith with that kind of mindset and I honestly hope that these people will one day open up their hearts and minds unreservedly to the rest of the world.

Oxfam Haiti Earthquake Appeal

Dawn Butler (Labour) vs Sarah Teather (Lib Dems) vs... ah who cares he can’t win here anyway...

2010-01-14T21:41:00.011Z

(Dawn Butler has the gall to still circulate this doubtful message.)

What am I referring to? The upcoming general election and Brent Central; the new constituency which will see Brent South and Brent East merge. So far the four confirmed candidates are Labour’s Dawn Butler and current MP for Brent South, Sarah Teather for the Liberal Democrats and current MP for Brent East, the Conservatives have put forward Sachin Rajput and the Greens nominated Shahrar Ali, who also ran for Brent East in 2005 only to receive 2.9% of the vote, 905 to be precise.

I admit to my bias from the outset. I support Sarah Teather completely and I make no attempt to downplay or conceal it. She is a hardworking, honest MP who genuinely cares for her constituency, did not tweak her expenses, campaigned successfully for the release of her constituent from Guantanamo, votes against intrusive anti-terrorism laws and was the first non-Labour Brent East MP in 15 years. In contrast to this Dawn Butler was embroiled in the expenses scandal and claimed £21,803 out of the maximum £23,000 second home allowance for the year 2007 (incidentally, her second home in Stratford is a shorter distance from parliament than her constituency home).

Moreover, she has consistently voted in favour of intrusive anti-terrorism measures that no liberal minded individual can say they support. Examples of this are the Identity Cards Bill and the Terrorism Bill — Extension Of Period Of Detention to 90. As a Palestinian, having already experienced obligatory identity cards, I do not particularly want to have it forced on me in a country that should be upholding our rights and the democratic ideals of freedom. For that reason alone Dawn Butler would never get my vote and if she was the only individual running I would run against her to ensure she did not see the Commons again as anything other than a visitor. That is the extent to which I am opposed to her. Sarah Teather on the other hand voted against both. Additionally, unlike Dawn Butler, Sarah Teather voted for an inquiry into the Iraq War.

One of the more outrageous things to come out of Brent Labour is the fact that the councillors wrote a letter to the BBC lambasting them for allowing Nick Griffin on Question Time instead of Dawn Butler (Not that Nick Griffin had a right to appear on Question Time or that I agreed with his being given a platform). Do the public really want to see an MP who, to my mind at least, has achieved very little, especially around the time of the expenses scandal which she did not come out of unscathed? They also noted that Sarah Teather has made several appearances on QT whereas Dawn Butler has never been invited and suggested that this was in fact as a result of a partiality toward the Lib Dems and questioned whether “the bias against Dawn Butler is symptomatic of what Greg Dyke once called ‘a hideously white organisation.” This argument is naturally absurd. Sarah Teather is a member of the Liberal Democrats' Shadow Cabinet (previously termed Front Bench), who is Dawn Butler? Bringing race into the matter was also incredibly calculating and deliberately misleading. I am not claiming the BBC is an impartial organisation, we know this to be untrue, but to suggest that Sarah Teather is favoured over Dawn Butler because she is a Lib Dem and a white woman is incredibly offensive not only to Sarah Teather but to those of us who voted/will vote for her. It also undermines all the hard work she does for her constituency.

Dawn Butler was also embarrassed last year when it emerged that an effusive letter she claimed was written to her/about her by Barack Obama was in actual fact drafted by her office with tacit approval from the American President at her office’s behest. Essentially it was quite a cynical attempt at cashing in on Obama’s celebrity. According to the letter, when Brent’s citizens are asked if she can do it they should respond yes she can. My question is yes she can do what? She is already an MP albeit one who disregards our civil liberties (but that’s alright because she has an outstanding achievement in helping to introduce the United Kingdom Youth Parliament in Brent; a boast she proudly makes). This means NOTHING to me or to the citizens of Brent. I am also sure the Iraqis who now live in a country one dictator down but replaced by a government not much better than the previous one thank her.

My audacious hope, nay, belief? YES Ms Butler, WE CAN defeat you.

Do You Hear What I Hear

2009-12-25T21:33:00.010Z

Baby Jesus in the Church of Nativity, Bethlehem

I find that I fail to understand why people who are otherwise warm, friendly and would ordinarily hate to offend believe that when it comes to religion, that of others and not their own, open criticism of the latter (or attempts to undermine certain beliefs within faith systems, if not the creed as a whole), is deemed acceptable. I do not suggest that we self-censor but a little tolerance and empathy would not go amiss in many situations. I also find that self-reflection could help to avoid many misunderstandings and offences given. Essentially; question whether in the same situation you would be so open to criticism of your own faith (or lack of faith as the case may be). It is a rare person that would be so accepting. I believe that most people who are fast in their highhandedness and hypocrisy to state why another’s religion is wrong will be the first to complain when it is done to them or in relation to their faith.

Moreover, the timing of such ‘debates’ should never be dismissed. Specifically, today is Christmas, questioning Christianity, the celebration of Christmas and what Jesus is seen to represent and who he is meant to be within that religion is not only completely tactless but it is also incredibly offensive. Nevertheless, this is exactly what is happening. A friend was offended by precisely this and questioned, very rightly, whether the same individual who posted videos scathing of the festival and of the religion as a whole would be receptive to criticism of Islam on Eid. As a Muslim I can safely state that most other individuals who share my faith would not accept it at all. As a group we are largely sensitive to insults, perceived and real.

Why are we so dismissive of the feelings of others when they do not match our own?

Moral of the story? Let us all work toward being open to other ideals. Religion is always going to be a sensitive issue and if, upon consideration, you find that you cannot take back what you are giving out: stop.

From my keyboard to God’s vision

2009-12-16T18:20:00.009Z

Dear Lord,

I am definitely not a poster girl for Islam nor do I claim to be, though I do try, honest (well you know...).

If you love me God (I am told you have affection for all), make it snow. Turn this grey city white. Have the snow fall so hard on London that I will not have to submit the paper copy of my English Civil War essay until Friday or meet my dissertation advisor tomorrow (she is lovely and very helpful but it is cold...). Please?

Travel for London is so bad that the smallest of setbacks brings the trains and buses to a grinding halt so I can only imagine what a full on snowstorm will do to the network. Oh no wait, I do not wonder, it happened last year. NOTHING WORKED!

I only ask that you bring the Christmas cheer early.

I would make promises of never procrastinating again but you know that this is probably not true. I am aware that I have had this lesson coming to me for a long time but I would really appreciate being cut a little slack now and again. I honestly appreciated that time in the first year when my seminar teacher did not make it to class for my presentation and when the same situation occurred last year.

I realise that you have bigger things to worry about such as famine, war and Rupert Murdoch and I will probably ask you for a few more favours in the years to come but please know that I appreciate every intervention.

Yours,

A Serial Procrastinator

p.s. If my other cheeky little request could be fulfilled that would be great. Just saying.