Marriage is an ominous, somewhat predictable, topic as far as I am concerned. However, being both a Muslim and an Arab, I was bound to discuss it sooner or later. It was not a completely random subject though I did not start assessing the implications of my age (20 is an appropriate age for marriage according to Muslim and Arab culture you see) and the fact that my degree is almost over either. Instead, my writing about it is as a result of a presentation I have on Friday on Al-Ghazali’s exploration of perceived advantages and disadvantages in his book on the Etiquette of Marriage. This reminded me of a conversation I recently had with my mother which occurred as a result of one of my closest friends becoming engaged.
It is a widely known fact amongst my friends and family that I have no interest in the matter. I honestly believe that, at the age of 20, I am far too young to be concerned by it and I also really could not care less. I have no interest in marriage, ever. Cue the sighs of disbelief, followed by the assertion that this will all change soon and that everyone goes through this phase and I will undoubtedly be married before anyone else in our circle (according to one friend I have a year and a half left to get engaged or married) and that I am very immature.
Needless to say, my mother is becoming increasingly frustrated because she is slowly beginning to believe me. “Well what else did you expect? Do you think all girls are as crazy as you are?” She huffed, when informed of my friend’s engagement. “Only I have been cursed with such ridiculous daughters.” This coming from a woman who abstained from marriage until she was 30, something that was completely unheard of in the Arab world for her time.
My mother is living in the hope that I meet someone that I instantaneously fall for, failing that scenario, I turn to her for help. Somewhat surprising considering she is convinced that I will have several failed marriages (I have a temper. I am working on it).
I do not understand this society. Instead of encouraging women to reach their full potential, educate their selves (though in my case, my family stresses the importance of knowledge) and explore the field of work, there is an extreme amount of pressure on women to finish schooling as soon as possible, marry and start a family. Unfortunately, a stigma is still attached to women who reach their late 20s and have yet to marry.
The impression I have been given is that Arab (and Muslim) girls start young. It is as if from the age of 15 they are trained to look for potential spouses (I am aware that I am generalising, I apologise if you feel it does not apply to you). Perhaps my parents forgot to let me in on the secret? Girls you’re teenagers, when did you stop playing with your Barbies, honestly? I sometimes wonder if the majority of these young women attend university to look for husbands and not because they care to continue their education.
I am not anti-marriage by any means with regard to anyone but myself but it is not the be all and end all either. I am fed up with being treated as if my lack of interest in it, and relationships in general, makes me abnormal. I believe in a little thing called naseeb i.e. fate, if it is meant to be it will be but I am certainly not going out of my way to tempt it.
18 comments:
A very good blog touching on an extremely touchy subject lol and it’s not just girls that are expected to “start early” I don’t know it seems a lot of communities especially Muslims (sorry for the generalisation) instead of moving forward they have decided to back track. Like my family for example my grandparents insisted all their kids both boys and girls (which by the way seemed blasphemous to the people around them) be educated and gain knowledge and marriage came later like you say leave it to fate what will be will be. Uncles, aunties all pursued higher education in fields which seem not hard but impossible (to me anyway). They overcame the challenges that an extremely conservative society could have thrown at them and became qualified academics some even pursued this further in getting jobs in their own fields. Now those same people seem to have forgotten why they were urged to chase knowledge and get somewhere not only for themselves but also for the society that they live in and also why they themselves were hungry to pursue what they call their “dream”.
Those same people now think “20 yep deal with it” and encourage, through very obvious hinting that the time has come almost as if this is what life has be building you up for. Unfortunately this mentality is rubbing off on the youth who subsequently will probably then pass it onto other generations, like the other day was talking to my cousin about it and he came up with the most stupid thing “what else am I going to do, done everything I’ve wanted and that’s been expected of me except this” when I pointed out how stupid that sounded well he started throwing dua’s around and brought religion into it saying if I don’t am defying god (that nearly earned him a thump).
Thankfully neither I nor my siblings have to go through this with my mum and dad subsequently other members of family have doubled their efforts.
If they channelled that energy into encouraging advancement in education or professionally. The world is so big there is so much to see to do to achieve lol If one can’t be bothered to go that far out, then local communities having endlessly proven their ignorance on so many matters whether it be marriage, tolerance and much.
The same elders that so persistently hint and encourage marriage should instead challenge and encourage their youth to address these issues and much more instead. I am not anti marriage but I think at this stage in life like the 20’s people should have other goals I mean if it happens it happens but don’t force it or chase it and by no means think there is an exact time for marriage. Maturity and character should be examined and not age in such serious issues.
Damn this things seems nearly as long as the blog itself anyway Sorry for the long whatever it gets classed as. :)
And once again good topic to write on I’m going to prank call some aunties and give them a piece of my mind
Peace.
lol I swear I am going to reply with a longer post because you took the time to write that, I'm thankful.
Before I get to that however, LOL! Not an e-laugh but an actual belly rumbling, side splitting laugh. Why? Prank call some aunties! Love it. Thank you for that.
I agree, it does seem like there is a pressure on guys too though from what I have observed, not so much amongst Arabs. That's why you get the 35 year olds with the 20 year olds, not that I have a problem with that but you probably know what I mean.
The only time I have a problem with it is when the older man makes age an issue. One guy used to come into my work place and say things like I want someone between 18 and 25. Any older and I am not willing. The guy was 36, I mean seriously?
It is a bit of a shame when they had an enlightened, shall we say, upbringing but suddenly the offspring are held to a different standard.
Getting married because you have nothing better to do is a little weak, no offence to your cousin. Yes marriage is considered a half of faith but not for those who are not ready and boredom isn't a reason for it.
But yes, feel free to make your comments as long as you like. 90% of the feedback I get goes on to the actual links I post pointing to the new blog post and not on the blog itself lol so I appreciate it.
i think life's too short to risk living in misery, do everything you want to do in your life, try and achieve all your goals..stay in education as long as you can!!! haha, then when your done with all your achievements and experiences and feel like taking a risk....you can try marriage!!!! w xxxx
I can second that haha
me to lol and you didn't have to write a whole life story thingy on it to make the same point well done :)
love this :) a girl after my own heart! you think arabs are bad, asians are equally as bad if not worse!by the time you reach 25, as far as theyre concerned your past your sell by date.. pathetic!
Anonymous @ 10 February 2010 18:33.
Please elaborate and who was it addressed at?
Thanks Halima. There are many who would disagree with us as whoever clicked 'dislike' demonstrated but that is the beauty of free speech right?
it was aimed at the dude that left the long post. elaborate well agree with everything that was put
lol I thought so, sorry for being obtuse, working on several personal statements.
It's ok, I like long comments.
haha this is to funny true but FUNNY. asians probably worse can't help but laugh at the crap they come up with to try and persuade a person to marry not understanding that if someone needs persuading by someone they probably not ready for it. you should hear some of the comments that i've heard to funny. and that sell by date thing is so true beyond 25 is considered no mans land for either sex lol your considered to be in the wilderness and under "angrazy influence" my grans response to the whole no marriage thing was "i am old and i won't see many happy things just one wedding and i'll die happy" my uncle "leave the kids alone and find me a second wife" gran *walks out huffing and puffing "youngters don't want one wife and oldies want two judgment day must be near" classic
good post :D
Your grandmother is hilarious. haha that reminds me of the imam for friday prayers in Bethlehem last summer. He urged men to take second wives in the friday khutba and all the women listening got so angry.
lol yeah she has her moments. the look on the womens faces must have been priceless, i can imgine them thinking something along the lines of "i hope that twit isn't taking any of this in, he is sooooo easily led". and once at home a case of "find another mosque or cook your own food". lol hopefully the turnout the next friday wasn't to badly affected.
I mean his reasoning was that it would be a mercy to the widows if these men would take them as their second wives. I don't know about numbers slipping for the next jum3a prayers but there was a little dicourse over it lol
He also started on the young(ish) guys who were not married and pointed at my cousin and told him off.
personally i believe that not wanting to get married comes down to some sort of insecurity or a lack of faith. if some truly believes that marriage is 'half of faith' and they didn't try their best to fulfil it, especially if they describe themselves as 'amazing personality, striking good looks and incredible intelligence' :-) , then they have little interest in pleasing their lord. Besides, who said that getting married immediately halts your education and gaining knowledge? some of the greatest muslim women and scholars were great wife's ans mothers too!
Well ‘Eden’ it is a great thing that I was talking about my own wariness regarding marriage then isn’t it? I don’t believe I stated that women should not get married. I did state that there is a sort of societal pressure to be married as opposed to be educated to the fullest and this IS the case for many parents sadly. I have known girls who were capable of studying, and wanted to study, medicine but were discouraged by their parents because it would take too long and they would be in their mid twenties by the time they were finished and who wanted to marry a 25 year old? You can try to deny this but it is what I have seen.
My insecurities, and let’s be honest; we all have them, are none of your catty concern and you know nothing of my faith (which is probably greater than yours since I do not feel the need to make smug holier than thou comments on innocuous blog posts so as if to reassure myself in my faith) so kindly keep your thoughts about individuals’ insecurities and faith or lack thereof to yourself.
You clearly are unable to spot sarcasm even when it is pointed out in the same sentence. Here’s a hint; “my amazing personality, striking good looks and incredible intelligence” was followed by “wishful thinking”.
With regard to who stated getting married meant the halting of education and gaining knowledge, well, not me obviously. Nevertheless, since you mention it, very few people actually follow through with education following their marriage irrespective of how many of the greatest Muslim scholars were wives and mothers.
Finally, only cowards hide behind the supposed religious truth. My understanding of Islam and yours clearly differs. I think Islam is a lot more flexible than you do and I think God is far more understanding than you think him to be (possibly due to your own narrow mindedness in your interpretation of hadith).
I apologise for being harsh but in future if you choose to comment, do so constructively or I will just end up trashing your comment.
zara i remember now why i love you so much, marry me please :-) pwetty please and a cherry on top toooo ;) haha
LOOOOL very funny! I'd love to have this conversation with you face to face as oppose to on a blog. Your views are well interesting. I have conflicting views of marriage, constantly changing and in the end for me it comes down to whether your destined to get married you will when the times right, when ever that may be, and if your not then you wont and there is more to life both ways. Marriage isnt everything, its a part of life and quite a big part but *shrugs* whatever Allah wills... Some people dont even have their nikkah tied with someone and thats their test and some people do and thats their own tests... end of the day lifes too short, take each day as it comes and make the most of it.
One thing ive personally learnt is there is great wisdom in marrying young, not because it was advised because until i finished university I didnt particurlarly agree with it but there are great trials we all face and not being settled is a big part of our fitnahs... see i sway in thoughts lol
im 23 and i dont mind the fact that im not married, but my friends are settled down with a family and have children of their own and have still continued with education......... its been instilled that you cant study and be married at the same time and so we avoid marriage and somehow we become anti-marriage because the older we get the more fixed we are in our ways and the less we are willing to compromise. We become stubborn and very independent.... these are my personal thoughts
On the other hand we live in an era that men are not men anymore, they dont provide for the family and so women educate themselves and become self reliant and so technically we have 2 bosses in the same house hold and we forget our roles as a woman and a man.....
ahh its very late and i just blabbered my thoughts which have no consistency lool
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